As we stood in the grocery line, I had a sudden thought. “Oh!” I said to my husband, “you take these. I forgot — ” and I was off and running. Okay, off and hobbling; my back is still pretty tender, but there I was, loping my way through the aisles toward the toiletries section…
… through the two shoppers whose carts were stopped, head-to-head and crossways blocking the wide aisle while they caught up on their gossip
… stopping short to avoid the dithering little lady with the overfilled cart, who wavered first one way, then another, grazing me on each side as she adjusted
… slinking through between one fellow who was doing recon on the shortest line, and his companion, who was pushing a full cart (and that was my bad, guys — sorry!)
… and into the Feminine Care aisle, only to discover
… a suited fellow standing there, facing me but blankly staring off into space, his body completely blocking the one shelf to which I needed access.
“Excuse me.”
No response.
Ahem. A little louder. “Excuse me, sir.”
Not a blink.
A-hem. “Sir, I just need to get to that shelf.” Nothing. “I just need to get to the TAMPONS, they’re right behind you.”
It was as if somebody flipped his “on” switch: he started, he glanced at me and then away, he flushed a becoming pink, and he skittered out of the corner where he was standing as if he’d been shocked, averting his eyes from me the entire time, because I had uttered the word tampons. I might as well have hollered VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA.
And next time, I will.
Elli
Elsa
5 comments
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19 November, 2009 at 12:46 PM
gaoo
What on earth is a dude even doing in that aisle? Hiding? If I recall correctly it’s tampons on one side and hair dye on the other.
19 November, 2009 at 12:58 PM
Elsa
What on earth is a dude even doing in that aisle?
Absolutely NOTHING. He was just standing there like a mannequin, absolutely blank and immobile.
To be fair, at that hour the whole damn grocery was full of blank, unblinking fools, including me.
19 November, 2009 at 5:15 PM
sgazzetti
When we did our grocery shopping in Italy we used to call those sorts the Acqua People — because they moved like they were under water. Here we refer to the grocery store situation you describe as MORONICITY LEVEL: ELEVATED.
19 November, 2009 at 10:57 PM
jagosaurus
I have no patience for grocery store stupidity. BIG SURPRISE.
Everybody out of my way so I can grab that box of fudge-covered Ritz crackers.
6 December, 2009 at 11:23 PM
redfox
There is something magical about supermarkets’ ability to zombify, which is why in college we liked to call the Super Shop ‘n’ Shop the Stupid Drop ‘n’ Flop.